Category: Infrastructure

As much as I love that loading ramp, those guide wires on the side are a death trap. I’ve seen more than one hapless soul go flying over those during a dark, late-night load out. A handy thing to do is tie on a brightly colored scarf. It does no one any good to have your vocalist crack his head tripping over those… actually, that could probably do everyone a lot of good for them to shut the f up. Much love!

Even though I went without one for the first tour with this trailer, NEVER go out without a spare tire (and corresponding tire iron, natch). One hour outside of Phoenix, I had all the tread rip off a tire on the trailer in 2010. Saints be praised, the tire didn’t blow completely or we might have had an overturned trailer. We were still on time to the show with naught more than a hasty tire change. The trailer didn’t come with a spare or any kind of mount, so I had to buy ’em. I used to have it mounted on the side of the tongue, which was a real pain in the ass. I paid $50 for this tire mount that hung the tire kind of low so it always dragged when we went into shallow driveways. It also blocked a van door on the back from opening.

Within two days of Impaled’s first trip with this trailer, we managed to bend the shit out of the trailer jack. It was mounted vertically, and it only took one driveway to permanently cripple us. For a month, we couldn’t drop the trailer from the van. My brother-in-law helped me immensely by welding on this lovely swivel-mount jack. Some models can also be bolted on if you don’t have access to a brother-in-law. It goes down when you have to drop and rides horizontally when you’re in motion. You can also see the clips I use for the safety chains are Master Locks. Again, I lock down anything I can. I’ve heard one too many stories of bands’ entire trailers being stolen.

Master Lock also has some great kits available for lockable trailer and hitch pins that are keyed alike with receiver locks. I have yet to see a kit that has it all, but I try to get as many things as I can that share keys. I try to minimize the jingle jangle from my keyring that makes me look like a school janitor.

I went for years and years playing bass without this toy obsession… music gear. I started playing bass through an old Ampeg SS150 guitar head. I really didn’t know any better, or how to play bass. I still don’t. Eventually I graduated to a real bass head. I picked up a couple BOSS pedals, the ODB3 and the TU2. Pretty standard for someone no more interested in their gear than that it makes some noise.

Honestly, I was too busy spending money collecting Star Wars toys to be bothered with gear. Now I hate Star Wars.

It took me more than a decade to organize, but eventually I picked up a proprietary BOSS pedal cases. You know, the ones designed to hold pieces of disposable crap from Taiwan. It’s basically a garbage bag, but it served me for a number of years.

There was an attempt to modify that plastic piece of shit pedal case from BOSS to fit a few other things. That was a non-starter from the get go, considering the things I’ve added to my set up. It’s not called a Big Muff because of it’s petite size. Then I watched the boys from Wolves in the Throne Room on tour as they lugged giant SKB pedal cases and had to check them when flying because of their size. With luggage prices ever increasing, this solution did not fly. <-- sweet pun. I decided to DIY a pedal board and case. As a registered basshole, I have more pedals than I ever need to play songs about eating poo. To exceed excess, I limited my board to what I could fit in a standard briefcase. If you have more than that on stage at your feet, you’ve likely got a small dick. Or an enlarged clitoris. Or you’re a bassist overcompensating.

I picked up a good, sturdy, used briefcase from local salvage store, Urban Ore. Urban Ore is an amazing place full of tons of old shit, with just a hint of cat piss in the air. Almost all the props in Impaled’s “Preservation of Death” video were cobbled together from crap there. After throwing around and stomping on the case, I found it was a good fit and would protect my precious cargo. I could easily take it on a plane as a carry-on. Never mind all those wires and metal boxes, Mr. Homeland Security.

I took measurements and made some mock ups of a pedal board with cardboard to make something I could pull in and out of the briefcase easily. It came out to 16.5×11.75″. After further experience picking up a few other briefcases that my board fits into, this seems to be close to a standard fit.

Then the board itself: I couldn’t mold plastic. I tried a thin wood one, but it felt too weak. I thought about strength and machismo, which defines me to a tee, and I came up with diamond plate. You know, that chrome metal shit all over tool boxes and semis and usually surrounded by men with guts (not bravado, the tummy kind). They sell diamond plate metal sheets at Home Depot, but the price is a bit high. A little research, and I found Alco Iron and Metal. They’re a huge metal shop (not music, the ferrous kind) just south of Oakland in San Leandro. They had scraps of diamond plate that they let me have for a good price.

I cut the metal down to size using a jigsaw and a Bosch brand blade made to cut metal (U118G). Nothing more special needed than that, even with the thick grade I picked that wouldn’t bend underfoot. I also sanded the corners to be rounded.

It took some elbow grease, patience, and lot of WD40 going to keep the blade slick. I also used liberal amounts of WD40 when drilling holes (a must to keep your bits sharp) for a handle I decided to put on the pedal board. It’s a cabinet handle also acquired from Urban Ore. I initially thought I’d put two on the sides of the board. After experimenting with the briefcase and some pedals, I ended up with just one handle on the end of the board. It would be easier to pull out of the briefcase and leave more space for the pedals.

On the side for the bolts, I bored out a cavity for the heads of the bolts with a larger drill bit. This way, my board would lie flat on the ground.

I realized that this was a gigantic metal plate I was going to be placing on stages surrounded by electricity. I bought a sheet of rubber used to line tool boxes from Orchard Supply Hardware and cut it to fit my board. Using a huge amount of two part epoxy well mixed, I affixed the rubber to the bottom of my pedal board. Now, it wouldn’t slip and was safe from grounding out against any loose current. I’m not fond of dying.

It’s enough to chill the soul.

Doktor Ross Sewage
www.doktorsewage.com

Impaled has managed to stay in the same practice place for about 14 years. Holy fuck, has it been that long? Jesus Christo, I don’t think the world asked for a teenaged Impaled. Zit faced and sullen, we have more attitude than ever.

Our space is in what it locally known as “The Old Soundwave,” in that there was a “new Soundwave” started by the original owner, the legendary Al Lucchesi, with some partners. He ditched that and now he just focuses on the original Soundwave. It’s still the old one, and we’re the oldest tenants there. You can read a good article about Al here from the Easy Bay Express. The place has hosted in it’s halls Neurosis, High on Fire, Forbidden, Exodus, Testament, Faith No More, and countless others.

In this humble space, we’ve written all our records, recorded a couple, filmed two music videos (parts of a third), and shared our space with the likes of Blown to Bits, Morbosidad, Stormcrow, and Worm Ouroboros. So, why, oh why, did it take us more than a decade to decide to build a loft? Fucking morons.

Sean and I enlisted the help of our dear friend and sometime gore collaborator, Scott Bryan. We set to work to build a loft. Finally. We moved most of our equipment into a space that was temporarily empty, much to our benefit. To keep things easy and do it all in a day, we decided to go with it being 8′ tall, because that’s the height that 4×4 wood lumber comes in. That’s just less cutting to do, and it’s a good height to roll full stacks out from under.

Our room is at a slight angle, but basically the width is around 14′. At first, Scott was insistent that we had to put a beam right in the middle of the loft for support. I really didn’t want to. Then a neighbor came by and suggested we really didn’t have to. Instead of just using four 2x4s for the base of the loft, we should use at least one 2×12 for the front. That’s one super thick chunk of board that was terribly unlikely to bend. That’s when Scott remembered, that for once, he didn’t have to build something to code. I mean, who would it hurt to try? Just Impaled.

We were lucky enough to have one back wall made of thick gypsum, or something… I don’t know. It’s a really tough wall to even put pushpins in, so we assumed it would be good. Point is, we were lucky to not have to use drywall anchors. We put up a long 2×4 as our starting base. Of course, we kept it all level as we could. A good device that I was unfamiliar with, not being a carpenter, was a chalk line. Basically, it’s a string you pull tight from one end to another and snap it… and you get a straight line anywhere, drawn in chalk. That was way easier than trying to find a ruler 14′ long.

From there, we attached the side panels. We made these 4′ long, because the plywood sheets we got were 8×4′, and I wanted to do as little cutting as possible. I’m lazy.

Finally the massive 2×12 board was attached. It was a pain to even get in our room, bending around the hallway and the gear that was already in the room.

For the joists, the supports for the ply, we used joist anchors on the back beam and then screwed right into them from the front. The anchors made it a lot easier for us. We didn’t have to try and make the frame and THEN attach it to the wall. The joists were spaced about 2′ apart, because Scott told us this was standard. Hell if I know, I just know it all worked.

Next, we screwed in the 4×4 posts on each corner. Really, this thing was free hanging just fine, but I figured the posts would add a psychological comfort to the drummers who had to sit underneath this monstrosity. Finally, we put up two sheets of plywood, with a slight cut in one of them to match our angled wall. This thing was as solid as a poop after mac ‘n’ cheese.

There was some bitching by the drummers about sound, so I padded the corners and under the plywood (in between each joist) with foam. That seemed to solve the problem, and now everyone is happy we have less shit all over the floor. You can imagine, after 14 years, we’ve gathered a lot of shit.

The materials cost us somewhere around $100. Priceless, when I think of how it made our space infinitely more comfortable. On top of that, it only took a day. Nice. Scott Bryan is our man. He can be contacted by any other Bay Area bands looking for a good guy for a cheap price to help them build a loft at mistermeat138@yahoo.com. Or, get off your lazy ass and give it a go yourself. You can build a small one, a big one, but if you hurt yourself, I’m gonna 1. laugh, and 2. tell you right now that I told you not to without the help of a parent or guardian.

Oh yeah… don’t forget to decorate when you get chance with stripper rope lights. It makes your music sexier.

Doktor Ross Sewage
Minister vom Drek
www.doktorsewage.com